I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
