Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize