Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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