Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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