can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
