Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
