I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
