Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize