I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Vodka?
Forever.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
