what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
