Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
this just has baby written all over it
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
