you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
