i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
