so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
