i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
