I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Two words: blizzard sex
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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