i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
