who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize