my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
high people should be assigned attendants
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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