a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
