too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
