so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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