I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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