Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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