This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
