After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
