I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize