Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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