I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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