I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
