She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
