it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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