i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
