It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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