It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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