Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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