well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
