My underwear smells like fireworks.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize