drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
