i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
