i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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