the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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