Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
