omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
