a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
