she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
