omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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