you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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