I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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