Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
