Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
