Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize