I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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