i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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