I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
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