it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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