i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
