Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
