I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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