Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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